Time

Since I graduated from high school I have been in perpetual forward motion. Chasing, running, seeking something elusive that I could never put my finger on. In the seven years that have passed since I was a smart-ass kid desperate to escape the confines of the family nest, I have seen much, learned more and played many roles in hopes of finding the part of me that seemed to fit.
And now here I am, all the time in the world with little to do but exam the moments that have come and gone, been pushed or slipped away, or hled with adoration. In the dissection of all those moments passed I have learned in each of them there was a choice to slow down and take part in that moment or to allow external circumstnaces I couldn't control to confuse the moment. Unfortunately too many moments were spent obsessing over the external and the moment passed me by without my ever knowing it was doing so. So intent on controlling the situations had I been, that I wasn't allowing life to play out without my meddling. Of course whether I was forceful or not life always happens, no amount of manipulation can stop it.
But rather than cry over moments lost there is the opportunity to grow and reach deeper, to stop worrying about the things I cannot control. To find the dream job, to be a better person, to find meaning in life isn't going to bring peace/happiness/whatever is desired. It's all a puppet show since none of those things actually make up who I am.
So many times friends, family, strangers ask what I do out there in the woods with no electricity, no water no cable no internet and I didn't really know what to say. At first I felt like less of a person because I wasn't out there banging down doors going after the "big" dream, whatever that is. I felt like less of a person for not working, for not advancing forward. But what I've realized is that I've been given the opportunity to stop doing and start being. In that discovery I was finally able to drop into the moment and the experience and embrace it for the gift it is.
For the first time I'm not worried about the future but believing when the time comes for us to move forward I'll have the ability to do so while remaining aware of the moments taking place.


PS-- I hope y'all don't think I'm going crazy, maybe it's one too many self-help books:)